And I know what you're probably thinking right about now....It's not always about you!!! Well right now and on this blog, if I want it to be about me, it's about me. So you can either deal with it or leave. I could honestly care less.
I've come to a major realisation and though i'm sure people close to me have figured this out already, I've yet to be able to accept certain things.
I'm really insecure.
And i'm not talking about the insecure where someone gives you a compliment and you blush and say, oh no while giggling, i'm the type where i'll get a compliment and laugh and probably ask if your drunk followed by insulting myself. I honestly don't see what others see when it comes to me. I know i have personal issues like everyone else but sometimes I honestly believe that I take it to another level and really how many people are like that?
I'm hoping not a lot because i wouldn't wish this on a single soul cause honestly it's not a good feeling to always feel that you're ugly or fat or unwanted or annoying or anything negative at all. For example, I play the piano and I'm currently attempting to do the Canada Conservatory thingy and people say wow when i tell them which grade i'm in but when someone compliments me on my playing, I have a habit of just pouring out every mistake that i did. And I mean EVERY mistake. I don't know why that is, but i just do it.
I'm one of those girls that aren't skinny, but i'm also not fat in the sense that i'd need a wheel chair to roll me out of the house either...i just have insecurity issues and really, which girl doesn't have them? We all have them at one point in our lives and that is something i'm absolutely positive about.
My insecurities have reached to a point where I no longer initiate conversation with certain people....AT ALL. I just can't do it. Why? Because too many times have happened when i've done that and the person pretended like i didn't even exist, even when i was right in front of them. This has led to me now seeing a person, knowing them fairly well to say hi but instead staring them dead straight in the eyes and not saying a word, all because i believe that they should say something to me first. That problem has probably led me to not liking people very much and having such limited friends.
Some days I sit and talk on the phone with one of my best friends for literally hours and smack in the middle of the conversation i'll just stop and tell her that i'm just perplexed at why she even talks to me cause i'm sure that there could be something else that she could be doing that would be better.(Yes i also think i'm not worth people's time...sue me)
I know i'm not the only one with insecurities but this was just floating around in my head and since no one ever reads this anyway, where's a better place to post it where there's no judgement involved :D
Note to the wise, never call a kid fat, cause it will scar them for life, whether you meant it to or not