Saturday, 29 June 2013

Me and Insecurities

And I know what you're probably thinking right about now....It's not always about you!!! Well right now and on this blog, if I want it to be about me, it's about me. So you can either deal with it or leave. I could honestly care less.

I've come to a major realisation and though i'm sure people close to me have figured this out already, I've yet to be able to accept certain things. 

I'm really insecure.

And i'm not talking about the insecure where someone gives you a compliment and you blush and say, oh no while giggling, i'm the type where i'll get a compliment and laugh and probably ask if your drunk followed by insulting myself. I honestly don't see what others see when it comes to me. I know i have personal issues like everyone else but sometimes I honestly believe that I take it to another level and really how many people are like that?

I'm hoping not a lot because i wouldn't wish this on a single soul cause honestly it's not a good feeling to always feel that you're ugly or fat or unwanted or annoying or anything negative at all. For example, I play the piano and I'm currently attempting to do the Canada Conservatory thingy and people say wow when i tell them which grade i'm in but when someone compliments me on my playing, I have a habit of just pouring out every mistake that i did. And I mean EVERY mistake. I don't know why that is, but i just do it.

I'm one of those girls that aren't skinny, but i'm also not fat in the sense that i'd need a wheel chair to roll me out of the house either...i just have insecurity issues and really, which girl doesn't have them? We all have them at one point in our lives and that is something i'm absolutely positive about.

My insecurities have reached to a point where I no longer initiate conversation with certain people....AT ALL. I just can't do it. Why? Because too many times have happened when i've done that and the person pretended like i didn't even exist, even when i was right in front of them. This has led to me now seeing a person, knowing them fairly well to say hi but instead staring them dead straight in the eyes and not saying a word, all because i believe that they should say something to me first. That problem has probably led me to not liking people very much and having such limited friends.

Some days I sit and talk on the phone with one of my best friends for literally hours and smack in the middle of the conversation i'll just stop and tell her that i'm just perplexed at why she even talks to me cause i'm sure that there could be something else that she could be doing that would be better.(Yes i also think i'm not worth people's time...sue me)

I know i'm not the only one with insecurities but this was just floating around in my head and since no one ever reads this anyway, where's a better place to post it where there's no judgement involved :D

Note to the wise, never call a kid fat, cause it will scar them for life, whether you meant it to or not


Sunday, 2 June 2013

To My Future Husband

Now as I sit in my room at the age of 17, I think to myself will I even have a husband but who's to tell.

Anyways if I do and you actually get to see this...I'm sorry. Why am I sorry? Because you have to put up with my sorry ass for as long as we both shall live. That must be real painful.

Now to others I'm not saying that I'm an absolute horrible person that no living creature would want to be around but I'm not exactly the person that everyone loves either. And who would want to be. If everyone loves you that must mean you're obviously doing something wrong. I'm just me and if people don't like it, well that's their problem but I still have friends who I love and adore and will always consider them family.

Once again, 'future husband' if you're reading this then you should probably know me pretty well by now but just in case somethings have changed I'll give you a brief run down of who I am.

I was born February 14 and honestly if you ever forget my birthday I don't know what powers on this planet could make me forgive you because I think it's pretty easy and simple to remember....just saying. I am a hopeless romantic and I'm not sure why because at this current time it is true that I've never had a boyfriend much less been on a date. Besides those simple facts though I really do believe in love and not the normal lovey-dovey type that you see on tv either. The one that you know and feel, deep down in your soul that even though I want to rip his throat out sometimes...I could never live without him. Strange. I know but that's how I feel.

Something you may want to know as well. Maybe by the time I've gotten married I've discovered a love for the kitchen and cooking but at this current time, that has not happened. I literally live on ramen and i'm not even in university yet. I don't like cooking. I really don't and when forced to feed myself I'd rather prepare something quick and easy. I can do simple breakfast and sandwiches but if you want rice and peas and chicken and the I don't know why but I just refuse to even think about it.

I'm also one of those girls who have never thought about her wedding. And i'm not even joking on this won. I have friends who have thought out every single detail possible but i'm still stuck on the stage where i'm sitting there confused saying 'What?' I don't know why this is and often i think to myself maybe there's something wrong with me but then I get over that thought pretty quickly. I'm just different and there's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing. Everyone can't be the same cause then where would the excitement and unexpected be?

Another thing I think I should add before leaving is that unlike many girls, my room isn't the tidiest. And i go days hearing friends saying how untidy their room is then describing it and me thinking to myself 'Compared to mine, that's heaven' I honestly don't know why it is but that's just the way it is. Sure I have my moments when I go on a complete random cleaning spree but other than those rare moments, I'm a complete mess. But so is my life and that's ok because people love you for who you are no matter what you think about romance or how bad a condition your room is constantly in. People love you for who you are and that's something I'd never like to forget.

So as I leave, even if i don't end up having a husband cause no one can put up with my quirks, that's ok cause I'll still have family, whether they're blood related or not and they'll always love me and SOME of my quirks cause let'e be honest. There's not one family member that likes ALL of your habits.